The Call

Today I received the first phone call. An unknown doctor. Emotionless and professional, her question strikes quickly to the task at hand: "I have received paperwork. Tell me what's going on."

Okay, big breath, I've been preparing for this... and yet I am disarmed by the sudden line of questioning from a stranger. Something deep within propels me forward and I find the simple words to define my truth: 

"I have been living with pulmonary arterial hypertension for 5 years. IV meds since the beginning, now continuous SubQ pump. The disease progresses quickly and without warning. This year I started medication #4, an injection. There are currently no other meds available. The last option is transplant and that's not simple." Then silence. I breathe deeply and muster up the strength for one last phrase: "and I want to ask for help to one day go out with my head held high". 

She speaks, in a changed tone, filled with empathy and care. She sees me and honors my fight as I honour myself. "There will be no suffering", she says, "and when you are ready, we will hold your hand and your family's hands too." 

I exhale loudly, a sigh of relief and fear and sadness and accomplishment. "Thank you", I whisper. She answers simply, "I am here for you". We sit together in the heavy silence for a few moments, acknowledging the power of this moment and all the hard work that it took to get here. She then explains that someone else will call, that the speech will be repeated, but that the request is already approved.

Call #1 complete. I cry. Then the energy shifts and I feel powerful. This is one of the rare moments on this pulmonary hypertension journey where I have a say, when I can put my hand up and make the call for myself.

By Angèle Belliveau

Learn more about MAID at our February 12 webinar Facing Difficult Choices with Compassion: Understanding MAID and End-of-Life Options